I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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