The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
