he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
