Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
