Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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