My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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