id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
