it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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