Me. At least after what I've been through.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
