So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
