he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
