Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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