i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
