remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We need a shit load of segways right now
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
