I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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