i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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