im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
