What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
