3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
