i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
