My friends, they love my intelligence
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
