If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
