Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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