I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
