You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
