you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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