Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
