If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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