never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
