hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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