Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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