Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
