the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
