Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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