I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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