Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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