Non-Jews are for practice
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
