Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
