Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
