My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
nutella sex= disaster
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
