I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
