i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
