At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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