I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
