Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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