So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
