..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
