I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
