So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
