you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
