went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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